Observance of abstinence is a very high quality and useful sadhana It is beneficial both at physical and mental levels. The longer one can stay celibate the better. Normally boys must remain celibate till at least 21 years of age and girls till 18 years. Those who can control their minds for longer should remain celibate for longer.
Real Meaning of Abstinence
Abstinence is primarily establishing control over mind. If the mind meanders in fantasies and desires, and body is kept under forcible leash, then this can cause more harm than good. Compared to physical sexual act, mental lack-of-control and eroticism causes many times greater harm. Loss of seminal fluid gets easily replenished but if the stimulation that arises out of sensual thoughts is not relieved then it attacks with vengeance, just like a hurt snake does to anyone who disturbs it.
Famous psychoanalysts like Dr Freud and Dr Burne have opined that suppressed desires hide in the dark corners of the unconscious mind with a deep hurt. Whenever opportunity comes, they strike in the form of a dangerous mental or physical disease. Psychoanalysts say that several mental diseases like dementia, sudden loss of consciousness, epilepsy, obsession, sleep disorders, fear psychosis etc. a arise from improper suppression of desires. This is why the first requirement of abstinence is equipoise of mind. One whose mind is ever engrossed in the highest thoughts, and whose attention either does not divert towards sensuality, or even if it does it gets reverted out of disinterest or hatred, can be a true chaste. While for one, whose mind wanders behind sensual desires and who cannot control one’s natural tendencies, physical abstinence is nothing but an irony.
If water is springing forth from a source, but the path of its flow is obstructed, then this water would accumulate and then gush out from elsewhere. Constant erotic thinking with external abstinence is a similar act. When desires arise in mind and lead to stimulation, this stimulation searches for a way to relieve itself. If the regular path is obstructed, it finds new ways, and these unnatural, new ways (outbreaks) are always dangerous and harmful.
An analysis of census reports from all over the world confirms this truth very clearly. Of the total number of deaths recorded per year, the proportion of widows and widowers is about one and a half times more than that of married women and men. By a superficial view it would seem that since married men and women spend off more of their vitality and life force compared to the unmarried ones, their life spans should be shorter. But the real facts are exactly opposite. Married people, despite loss of physical vitality due to repeated sexual acts and bearing children, and despite carrying extra load of worries and responsibilities, live longer and stay healthier than unmarried people. The only reason for this is that mental cravings that originate from unfulfilled desires are very harmful and their poisonous flames keep evaporating the vital-energy internally. People who cannot marry also normally cannot accomplish much or become successful because of an unstable mind and lack of peace and contentment. So usually such people are more at a disadvantage than the married people.
Readers must not misunderstand the intent behind these lines. It is not being propounded here that married life is better than remaining celibate. Chastity is extremely important and accomplishing sadhana, its advantages are countless. But, the present context is focused at comparing mental lack-of-control with married life. Those who find themselves incapable of continuing sadhana of abstinence and cannot control their mental desires, for them it is appropriate to get married. This is what is true for 99 persons out of 100, and there is nothing wrong in following this natural process.
Spiritual Development in Grahastha Âshrama
It is not right to think that by getting tied in grahastha ashrama no spiritual development is possible. Any holy sadhana that elevates a soul to the Supreme Soul is actually related to the evolved state of the inner self (anta¡karaña). External activities of life have very little to do with it. Just as a brahmachari or one who has taken vanprastha or sannyasa can attain the goal of life through sadhana, so can a householder. For time immemorial this has been going on. In fact, we can find more true spiritual sadhaks among family persons than otherwise. The rishis of older times were very different from today’s irresponsible and disorganized religious men. It was a common practice then to live in small cottages in open and away from dense cities, and to wear minimal clothes. Even kings and deities are depicted in pictures and sculptures as wearing clothes only below the waist. This was the norm in those times. What today’s self-styled religious men wear and the life styles they adopt to make a show of their spirituality, were in fact commonplace social norms in earlier times.
We have already stated earlier that it is incorrect to say that all rishis of yore remained unmarried forever. Most of the rishis were married and their wives and children assisted them in their penance and spiritual development. A large number of instances can be found in the scriptures and the history in which spiritual men of then donned different roles like yogis, ascetics, researchers, orators, creators, philosophers, teachers and political leaders, and they would make their children and wives partners in their endeavours.
Some Prevalent Misconceptions
Those who take their first steps on spiritual path often get misled by some vague, incorrect statements like – “a householder cannot perform spiritual sadhana” or “woman is a gateway to hell” or “family and relations are ties of maya”. Such statements often misguide and confuse young minds. As a result either they give up all spiritual endeavours as impossible for them while raising families, or give up their familial responsibilities and run away to even survive on alms. If one remains hung in between then the situation gets even worse. He begins to regard his family as a heavy load hung around his neck. He adopts attitudes of carelessness, indifference and irresponsibility towards his family and so his behaviour towards his family turns bitter and ugly. His wife and children begin to feel that this man is making our lives miserable. Feelings of enmity and revenge arise and an ambience of bitterness, conflict and hatred gets created. And in such an environment no living being can remain healthy and happy. So it is absolutely necessary to reject all misgivings about grahastha ashrama and understand that following grahastha ashrama is a very capable sadhana that can yield great results.
Grahastha ashrama is a long spiritual endeavour of life; it is holy, important and very meaningful. When husband and wife come together two incomplete lives combine to take form of a complete life. Like two wings of a bird or two wheels of a chariot, meeting of man and woman creates a strong and stable system. Experts of human physiology and psychology know that both men and women have their own strengths and weaknesses. They complement each other’s strengths by coming together. The natural attraction between the two sexes originates from the desire to draw strengths from each other. The subtle consciousness of mind is forever in search of resources that can help it overcome its weaknesses. This in common terms, is called the strong desire of harmonious union. A blind and a lame can complement each other’s strengths and get the benefit of seeing and walking. Similar benefits couples earn too by helping each other.
The Glory of Women
Basically neither man is bad nor woman. Both are holy creations of the Almighty. Sublime luminescence of soul shines within both. Man’s workplace is usually outside the house and so his external qualities get developed. His personality develops into that of a strong, influential and clever breadwinner. But in his persistent struggle with the external world he loses several virtues and good qualities of the soul to a large extent. The qualities and emotions like simplicity, liveliness, honesty, sacrifice, compassion, love and affection can even today be found several times more in women than men. Though because for a long period women have been confined to a small cage called home, and denied education, exposure and experience of the external society, and because their circle of interaction has always remained other equally naïve women, they now lag far behind men in worldly, practical knowledge. But even then they possess basic good qualities and nobility many times more than men. There is no possibility of spiritual decline, or of attaining hell or getting shackled by maya in associating with them. In fact, if man accepts to stay in woman’s sanctified shade, he can rid himself of several of his devilish tendencies. Her love and grace is like a pious river, one sip of which can cleanse all the sins and sufferings of man.
They whose mind is pure and hearts are sensitive can experience an uninterrupted flow of s³twic elements emanating from women. Prophet Mohammad used to say, “My heaven lies beneath the feet of my mother.” Saint William has said, “In woman’s eyes God has provided two lamps, so that men who have lost their way can in their light, find it again.” Saint Powell once said, “I don’t consider woman as important because Creator has made her beautiful, nor do I love her because she is made to be loved. I only consider her worthy to be worshipped because only within her all the humanity of humans is alive.” Soothsayer Taylor once published the following thought, “Godly luminescence creates a woman. She is a river of sweetness where man gets relief from all his worries and sorrows.” Plato, the philosopher said, “When the universe came into existence, man was lame and lay sobbing in a corner of the earth. Woman lifted him and brought him up affectionately. Today the same ungrateful man treats her as if she is worthless and contemptible.” Poet Hargrutch said, “Women are poems of this terrestrial world. The salvation of future of humanity lies in her hands alone.” Carlisle used to say, “If you want to see love personified, look into the deeply emotional eyes of a mother.” Saint Caldwell used to say, “Till Adam was alone he found heaven as a bed of thorns. Songs of angels, cool breeze, and beautiful gardens were all meaningless to him. Despite all the pleasures of paradise he was very unhappy there and sighed all the time. When he met Eve all his sorrows disappeared, all the thorns transformed into flowers.”
The saints who have seen woman with purity in their eyes, have found God’s living poem personified in her. Those whose sight is impure, for them the danger lies not only in being close to their mothers, daughters and sisters but to this entire living and non-living creation of God. If one’s clothes are on fire then there always is a grave threat of vicious fire mishap around him. While for one who has sunglasses on, the scorching sunshine also appears cool. Dear readers, try to make your attitude pure and pious. Rest assured even you can become a great saint while being a householder just like King Janak.
Source: Married Life: A Perfect Yoga
