A householder driven by a selfish mind has been called by wise men to be entrapped in the clutches of maya. “I am the head of the family. Every member of my family must obey my orders, act as per my wishes and liking, follow my instructions all the time and must willingly live as I wish to keep them” – to one who takes up family life with such expectations and desires, his household would assuredly appear nothing but a hell that is full of sorrows, miseries, bindings and disillusionments. It is simply impossible that everyone would become as we want one to be. Every human being is different from all others in terms of qualities, conduct and nature. A person’s nature is in fact a conglomeration of intrinsic qualities acquired over many, many previous births. One’s personality can definitely be refined with efforts, but it is not possible that the person would completely surrender his individuality. Everybody has different interests, likings, instincts, feelings, and disposition. No individual would, like an idol of clay, accept every order, and think, speak and do exactly as per other’s wish. Some difference of opinions would always exist. A person cannot completely give up all his self-centred interests. Whenever our commands would go against a person’s likings or inner motives, he would try to make excuses and avoid following them. Alternately, if our demands far exceed the capability of family members then none would come forward to meet them. This would ensue dissatisfaction, ill-will, anger, and conflicts between us and others in the family, leading to a great disharmony. The household would be filled with agony and sufferings.
To prevent such agonizing situations from arising, we need to learn to compromise and accommodate. Rather than being too rigid about our demands and trying to impose our thoughts upon others, we need to be a little soft and accommodating. We must learn to make compromises with others as much as possible, surely up to the extent that no harm is caused and no wrong is done. True that it is our duty to ensure that members of our family adopt righteous ways, but it is also true that to make anyone follow our each and every command faithfully in a short time is also very, very difficult. Things get done when we bend a little. Flexibility and compromises often do wonders. Master trainers at a circus know how much leniency and strictness, and how much time and effort is required to tame uncouth, wild animals and to make them perform great tricks. Too much strictness and too much leniency both are not right. To walk the middle path and to move ahead adopting generosity and forbearance is the most advantageous approach. Happiness and peace can be maintained in the family on this basis.
Importance of Self-Sacrifice
The proper method to create peace, satisfaction and order in family is to adopt the principle of self-sacrifice in personal conduct. We must present ourselves as an example. This would inspire other family members to also adopt self-sacrifice in their conduct. As much importance we give to the principle of ‘less to me, more to others’, to that extent peace, harmony and orderliness is attained. A Grahastha Yogi must present himself to others as a selfless, impartial, well-meaning attendant of the family. We must not let the thoughts like, ‘what benefit do I derive from my family’ and ‘do my family members value my self-sacrifice or not’, ever enter our minds. Instead we should be concerned about whether or not are we like an honest gardener, trying our best to develop our garden. We must always search for answers to the following questions. Am I ever holding back some of my efforts towards my family? Is there any decline in my selflessness and impartiality? Am I being lethargic, or am I procrastinating in fulfilling my duties? If the answers to these questions are negative then it is a matter of great joy and accomplishment. The positive or negative answers to other questions like, whether anyone appreciates me or not, whether anyone feels indebted to me or not, and whether success has been achieved or not, lie with others. To keep an account of answers to such questions is demeaning our sadhana. A sadhak must never let his happiness depend on others. To feel happy only when others appreciate us is a state of bankruptcy. We must try to locate the source of happiness within our soul itself. There is nothing in this world that can give more happiness than the fact that we have earnestly fulfilled all our duties.
The Greatest Act of Service
What is the sign of true benevolence? True benevolence is an act that enhances peace and happiness in the world. The basic intent behind all benevolent deeds like construction of roadside drinking water centers, accommodations for travellers, wells, water reservoirs, gardens, roads, schools, dispensaries etc. is also that these would reduce discomfort of others and enhance happiness. Several organizations are created and managed for this purpose alone. Similarly, sadhana of various great souls, ascetics, patriots, public servants, benevolent individuals etc. is also carried out for the same purpose. Even scriptures say that true religion and love for God lies in doing activities that further peace and happiness in the world.
There are many different ways of doing benevolent deeds. Among them, a very important way is enhancing satwic qualities in man, and it is the best. It is many times more virtuous to make someone’s thoughts pure and actions superior, than donating him food, water, clothes etc. This is so because once a person gets the righteous direction and inculcates virtuous qualities then just like a fragrant flower, he lifelong provides peace and comfort to those who come in his contact. A righteous man is like a munificent being who distributes food for soul in large quantities to the needy, and thereby truly supports and uplifts the lives of many more. Sure enough, producing a virtuous man can give much more returns than constructing ten thousand water reservoirs. If we can enrich our families with good sentiments and righteous attitudes, then satwic qualities will enhance in their nature and character, and that would then guide many, many more who come in their contact.
Seeds of a single tree produce several new plants. These in turn produce many more seeds and many more trees. The sequence grows from one to ten, ten to hundred, hundred to thousand, and keeps growing forever. Similarly, if we can produce even four persons (in our family, say) of righteous character, they would in turn cast their influence upon thousands of others, directly or indirectly. Some among them may turn out to be the likes of Harishchandra, Shivi, Dadhichi, Shivaji and Rana Pratap, whose ‘body of glory’ lives on even after their physical death, and then this body of glory of theirs for thousands of years keeps inspiring satwic qualities in mankind. To create a man who is great and full of satwic qualities is such a profoundly benevolent deed that it has no comparison with any construction of bricks and cement or any worldly contribution to mankind.
Scriptures say that Guru has to share one-tenths of the sins or virtues of his disciples. When students of a class fail, the reputation of the teacher of the class also goes down, while, if the students pass with good marks, the teacher also gets promotion. This is so because in the failure or success of students, the efforts of the teacher also get counted. Thus students’ failure or success brings disrepute or appreciation for the teacher too. In the same way if family members become righteous or unrighteous, the head of the family also has to share the virtues or sins that they accrue. If we manage to make our family members righteous and truthful by our efforts, good-will and sacrifice, then this high quality deed of ours would not be inferior to any other benevolent deed in the world. If everyone undertakes to reform one’s family, it would take no time to reform the entire world. If everyone sincerely fulfils the responsibility of his field, heaven would descend upon the earth in no time.
We must keep examining very carefully the following. Is every man, woman, or child in the family getting sufficient opportunity for the growth of their physical and mental faculties? Is anyone being denied his/her natural right to grow in life and create a bright future? Is anyone getting undue luxuries and pampering and is anyone else being unfairly pressurized and oppressed? When observed minutely, answers to these three questions can clearly point to where there is a need to improve the organization of the family. It has become quite a common practice these days to pamper boys more than girls, men folk more than womenfolk, and those who earn more than those who earn less or do not earn. These people are always ahead when it comes to choice of food or clothes, for entertainment and for receiving adulation and respect. Unfortunately, women and girls at home are normally considered worthless by our prejudiced society and very little attention is paid towards their needs, conveniences, and growth. This injustice must be removed with our efforts. Needs of all must be met with, whether they are girls, womenfolk, nonearning members, sick, old or disabled.
Happiness in Limited Means of Income
It is incorrect to worry about how the requirements of all people in the family can be met when the income is less. If income is less than it is necessary to make the lifestyle simple and frugal. If coarse cloth and less expensive food grains are used, way-of-life is kept simple, and undesirable items of show-off and fashion are voluntarily and happily renounced, then all can live happily in limited resources. There is no wisdom in copying rich, extravagant, fashionable and ostentatious people. Simplicity is a divine quality. The time that is wasted on useless acts can be used to keep home, clothes and body clean and tidy. If unfair partiality exists then ill-will, jealousy and infighting would spring even in wealthy households. On the other hand, if impartiality, evenness, self-sacrifice and cooperation exist then love and satisfaction would be present even in poverty.
This world has many rich people who live luxurious lives, who show-off their wealth and indulge in sensual pleasures. There is no need to copy their luxurious, extravagant life styles. Instead we must try to copy their sharp intellect, smartness, hard work, if any, and alacrity. We must learn to look at the qualities that have earned them this grandeur. We must never adopt their polluted thinking and faults like ostentation and display of wealth. Simplicity and poverty are no hindrances to maintain peace and happiness in family life.
The First Requirement for Happiness: Good Health
All in the family must get uniform opportunities towards good health, education, entertainment and building a bright future. We must keep on looking: is anyone being physically or mentally pressurized which is affecting one’s good health? Is anyone moving towards ill-health due to uncontrolled, unrestrained way-of-life? There is no need to worry if lavish, good quality and much advertised food is not available for the family and we need to make do with less-expensive, ordinary food. Such food would never spoil anyone’s health. Health actually gets spoilt due to disorganized way of-life. Any kind of expensive, exotic food cannot mitigate the harm caused by improper life-style. If we pay full attention towards sufficient food, sound sleep, and regular exercise, excretion, bathing, cleanliness, abstinence and physical labour etc. then we can easily keep ourselves from falling ill. If ever someone in the family does fall sick, and the disease is not serious in nature, then there is no need to panic, run after famous doctors and empty our pockets in paying their enormous fees and purchasing expensive imported medicines. We can fight with the ailment by taking advice of some experienced, noble person, and using simple basic medicines and helping the patient follow necessary health-disciplines. Consuming highly potent and poisonous medicines gives a quick relief from symptoms of disease at that time, but creates many imbalances and troubles later on. It is prudent to fight common ailments by fasting, eating fresh fruits and mild vegetable-soups, and taking simplistic medical treatment.
The Second Requirement: Good Education
Just as food is necessary to overcome hunger, education is necessary to nurture the mind. Every member of the family must be provided good education. Those who can go to school must get educated at school, while those who cannot, must study at home. Children, young and elderly people, all must develop liking for reading, and we must conserve resources to provide books for all. A school-at-home must operate daily for 1-2 hours. When all the family members have been made literate, they must be provided thoughtfully chosen books that help them in furthering knowledge about topics like human body, mind, social issues, and religion and so on. All must be able to understand the problems of life, should be able to analyse deeply, and should be able to read opinions of genuine and sagacious thinkers on these issues.
It is good to read religious texts like Ramayana, but one must not confine oneself to reading only mythological and historical accounts. To be able to understand and solve day-to-day problems and struggles of life is also very important. This also is a practice of religion only. One must increase one’s linguistic knowledge by learning script and grammar, and enhance vocabulary through dictionaries. At the same time through methods like debates, questioning, reasoning, listening to discourses on important topics, one should enhance one’s information, intelligence and analytical capability. Everyone in the family must be given an equal opportunity to further one’s education and knowledge just like we provide food for everyone.
The Third Requirement: Healthy Entertainment
After health and education, the next aspect is that of entertainment. This is also very important. If man does not get an opportunity to enjoy, to laugh, play and amuse himself, then his mental state would turn acrid, irritable, intolerant and pessimistic. Those who work day in and day out like slaves, those who keep doing the same work over and over like prisoners, and those whose lives revolve only around the three activities of eating, toiling at work and sleeping, the liveliness and freshness of their beings slowly begins to dry up from inside and outside. They become unkind, hostile, bad tempered, unfaithful, fearful and cowardly. Such people become very suspecting and remain dissatisfied with the world. Because of this attitude their physical and mental health begins to deteriorate and they begin to age and turn old very early.
A plant for its development needs fertile soil, and water. But it also needs fresh air and sunlight. Similarly those who provide for health and education of their family and not for their entertainment, do an incomplete job (duty). Prudent men have said – one who keeps off from music, literature and art is an animal without tail and horns. This statement is meant to criticize a life that is dry, uninteresting and devoid of entertainment. Surely, entertainment is a necessary nutrition without which life begins to wither. But, one must always try to save oneself from entertainment that gives only sensual pleasure, is unhealthy, in bad taste and vulgar. One must search for simple, pure and decent means to amuse oneself. Through soothing music, singing, playing instruments, traveling, meeting people, dining with friends and acquaintances, visiting fairs and carnivals, participating in competitions, learning arts and crafts, attending public speeches, visiting exhibitions and museums, playing sports and many such similar ways we can occupy ourselves in healthy entertainment. Men of the family keep getting such opportunities but womenfolk and children are often denied of these. This is not fair. They also must get such opportunities as and when possible. Small children must get many toys to play with. If some money gets spent for recreating merriment and enjoyment then one must not hold oneself back, because whatever money is judiciously spent on these activities is not wasted but ends up fulfilling a very important and basic necessity.
The Fourth Requirement: Opportunity to Grow
The fourth important need is opportunity to build a bright future. We must never get satisfied if the needs of everyone in the family is being somehow met today. Instead, we must plan as to how the future of each and every member of our family can become bright, happy, prosperous and inspirational to others. The aim of a being behind taking this physical form, is not to somehow pass days, but to elevate its state, move ahead and progress continuously by garnering resources. It is necessary to always think of ways and to continuously put in efforts to refine and elevate ours as well as others’ lives higher, and even higher. We must continuously work on plans that help in the development of both internal and external aspects of life. It is our prime duty to always try and garner all the resources that are needed for the progress in the future. Till sufficient education, qualifications, and experience is attained to solve physical, mental, economic and social problems, life cannot become happy. So everyone must be given an opportunity to acquire essential skills like ability to read and write, to earn one’s living, to remain healthy and fight diseases, to converse and mix socially, and to interact and exchange thoughtful views with others. It is very necessary to make everyone capable of earning one’s own living because sometimes such unfortunate situations may arise in life when one may lose one’s possessions, property or those who are near and dear. In such circumstances only that person can win who has already prepared himself well to fight adversities.
We must look carefully within our home and find out if there is anyone whose any of the above four requirements are not being met properly met. If there is someone like that, we must try our level best to arrange for fulfilling these requirements. If we manage to make even ten lives of our family happy and contented to some extent, we can believe that through our act there was an enhancement of welfare in the world, that we did a great benevolent service and helped spread our religion (of humanity and wisdom), and that we earned virtues for ourselves. If our attempts were not explicitly successful, even then we stand benefited, because all our good thoughts and intentions keep working in our brain and are then inscribed in our inner (unconscious) mind as auspicious tendencies. These auspicious tendencies silently blossom and bring happiness and prosperity in many ways in this life and beyond.
Source: Married Life: A Perfect Yoga
