Importance of a happy family life cannot be stressed enough. By following some simple guidelines members of a family can transform the environment of their entire household into a heavenly one. These guidelines are suitable in modern small families too – especially with regards to interaction with grandparents, near relations, and among the spouses who often tend to treat marriage like a social contract and give priority to their professional interests over the family.
Avoid Misunderstandings
The main reason for increase in strife in families is ‘unwarranted reservation’. We usually mix very well and converse openly with outsiders, but remain reserved with our family members and talk to them very little. Few families can be found nowadays in which members talk to each other candidly about what is there in their minds. The essential reasons for encouraging conduct like respect and regard for elders of family, and decency, modesty, tolerance, etc. have been forgotten, and highly distorted forms of customs now prevail in the families, due to which members hesitate to express their feelings and experiences, and their needs in front of other members. The result of this uncommunicativeness is that people begin to fail to understand each other. Any expression of difference of opinion begins to be looked upon as disobedience, disregard or opposition. This is very wrong.
Self-Governance in Families
If a decision has to be taken in the family, opinion of all men and women who are mature enough to have opinions, must be taken. All must be given a chance to express what they want and what they lack. If we want some decision to be taken our way, we must present its case with substantial (or justifying) preamble, logical arguments and supporting examples, so that all members find it agreeable. Everyone at home must feel that a work was done because he/she desired so. Just as it is necessary to take agreement of people while governing a democratic country, in the same way it is necessary to respect the views and suggestions of family members for running a family. When family members agree to the management of the family, peace and happiness would prevail. When a country is governed through political self-governance, there is a lot of peace and progress. The same is true when there is self-governance in the family too. Members of a family should not feel that someone’s dictate is being enforced upon them. Instead, they should feel that whatever policies are adopted are for everyone’s welfare, are formulated with discretion and after taking everyone’s opinion into account, and that the family is being managed aptly with affection and care. Whichever family adopts these simple and natural principles remains happy and contented.
Suggestions for Women in Family
We often see clashes over trivial matters between mothers and daughters in-law, younger and elder daughters-in-law and between women of various other relations within the family. It’s a common observation in the Indian society that women get very little opportunity towards expansion of knowledge and outlook. So they tend to be a little less generous towards other people. Though undoubtedly women are way ahead of men in terms of their ability to love and sacrifice, but often these feelings get totally limited to their own husbands and children. Not much of these are then left for others in the family and outside. We must try to explain and make women in the family understand, by demonstrating our own generosity towards all, that all members of the family are our very own and very dear to us. We must try to mold their mind-set so that it begins to reject all ill-feelings towards other family members; we must help them broaden their attitude so that they would begin to regard all family-members as their very own.
All the work at home should be evenly distributed among all. If someone is ill or weak or pregnant then her work should be taken up by others in the family willingly to reduce the burden on the individual. Leaving alone the jewellery of daily use, all the other expensive jewellery should be pooled and kept together by the women in the family, so that whosoever needs can use any jewellery of her liking. If the home is prosperous enough, then jewellery can be made for all individually, but care must be taken that none gets more than others. It is quite common that a newlywed bride would have more possessions initially than others. For the initial years they must be allowed to have them till they find themselves comfortable and become one with the family. Except for any special circumstances, all in the family must eat same food, and wear clothes and hold all possessions uniformly. This way unity can be maintained within the women of the family.
Understanding Among Family Members
Elders of the family must not demand excessive courtesy from the younger generation. They must treat them with generosity, love, sympathy and forgiveness, and not as slaves or servants. Similarly, younger people must respect elders and try to fulfil their essential needs on priority compared to all other works at home. None should hurt others’ self-respect or exploit others’ emotions.
If someone makes a mistake, then in solitude he/she must be tenderly explained the harm the mistake has caused. To rebuke, curse or beat someone in front of others is totally wrong. It damages more than corrects. It creates ill-feelings, hatred and disenchantment which is a very shameful situation to arise in a worthy family. Everyone would realize his/her mistakes when told patiently with love. Instead, if one is insulted then he would become stubborn, try to take revenge out of anger, and create a lot of trouble.
It is wrong to take more for oneself surreptitiously. Carrying out undesirable activities like eating tasty food items in the market without others’ knowledge, secretly amassing money for oneself, spending more money on self-entertainment, personal desires and fashion, etc. is inviting jealousy, ill-will, hatred and reproach of the household.
If someone has to dress up well to go out to work then others must understand that it is a necessity and not indulgence in fashion. If someone has to eat special food because he has to work hard the whole day, then all must understand that this is for his sustenance and not for any undue favour or to satisfy his greed of tongue. It is easy to distinguish between whether a special life style is adopted for necessity or for indulgence. A person cannot hide his feelings completely. Indulgence in taste and show off gets reflected in his each and every action. While if someone genuinely needs something special then it would be tied to some special situation, while all the other time his lifestyle and actions would be no different from the family’s standard. In any case, whenever one needs special conveniences, it should be in the knowledge of everyone in the family.
Strives in Joint Families
Whenever a spark of strife gets kindled in a family, the environment of that home becomes very unpleasant, bitter and unliveable. Most commonly this happens because expected respect and courtesy was not shown by one towards the other. Strives are not so much due to loss or gain in financial matters. They are mostly due to lack of courtesy, respect and gentleness in one’s behaviour. Every member in the family has a right to be treated with respect, and it is very inappropriate to deny him/her that right. Whoever treats others egoistically, with disrespect, arrogance and contempt, should be patiently and gently made to realize the impropriety of his/her behaviour. We must also try to find out the reasons behind the lack of understanding and love, and sort them out at the earliest.
Splits and partitions of joint families over minor differences of opinions should discourage. As far as possible it is good to keep together the structure of joint families. Living in a joint family helps in much better development of self, as compared to living in nuclear families. However, if alienation and disaffection among family members is not reducing, strives at home are not subsiding despite earnest efforts, and if it appears that living in different homes would be the only solution to attain peace, then it is good to do so with due love and trust.
Importance of Rightful Earning
It is important to speak humbly with all, to be happy and make others happy too. But it is even more important that we earn our living through hard work and honesty. Money earned through improper means pollutes and corrupts everyone’s mind and intellect, and these faults then reveal themselves in the form of bad qualities in individuals, and result in strives and ill-feelings among family members. Food earned through moral means gets transformed into ‘satwic blood’ which by itself provides for ample mental and physical healthiness and nurturing of virtuous qualities in individuals. Such food intensifies good qualities and good-will towards others further and further without much effort.
Source: Married Life: A Perfect Yoga
