In Indian culture, life is classified into four ashramas (phases), namely, Brahmacharya, Grihastha, Vanaprastha, and Sannyasa. The life of a Grihastha (householder) is given great significance. The other three ashramas are dependent on Grihasthashrama. A good grihastha evolves into a good vanaprastha and nurtures brahmacharis of good upbringing. All these three phases make it possible for the stage of utmost maturity – Sannyasa. In this system, a person must conscientiously lead a life of Dharma with prudent use of resources (artha) and regulated desires (kama) if he must attain the utmost goal of liberation(moksha). In this context, the objective of married life is not to make merry but to treat this phase as a steppingstone for higher classes (vanaprastha and sannyasa). So, it is very befitting that Param Pujya Gurudev has termed Grihastha asTapovan.
The basis of Grihasthashrama is a life of understanding and clear thinking by the married couple. They should live a meaningful life and prove to be helpful to all the ashramas. To do this, it becomes imperative that they follow the directives given by our Rishis. Mutual respect, cooperation, and faith form the strong basis for married life. Accepting the spouse as he/she is called for immense courage, which is very important in married life. Without mutual respect and faith, cooperating with one another becomes difficult and can create hiccups in the life of a householder.
To get established, they must try to understand each other, behave with empathy, and not overburden each other with unnecessary expectations. The burden of expectations can stifle a relationship and lead to the couple ending up complaining about each other constantly. This gives rise to innumerable small reasons for discord and conflict, and very soon, life becomes torturous. Nurturing too many expectations from the spouse means insulting not just the other person but also oneself.
To emerge out of this situation, we must do an honest self-assessment and take a hard look at ourselves. Very soon, a realization dawns that each person is a bundle of inadequacies and mistakes. The intelligent thing to do is to improve oneself and give opportunities for others to get better and develop the qualities of generosity and tolerance. Many times, relationships turn sour because the spouse cannot tolerate the minor mistakes of their significant other. This can lead to continued unrest in the family.
It’s quite possible in married life that one of the parties comes under the stress of the hour and loses his/her calm. Then the other person should take a step back and remain composed and silent so that the situation remains in control and the household stays intact. Also, try not to interfere in each other’s internal matters.
In a family, both wife and husband have specific domains of work identified for each other. The wife should refrain from commenting and interfering in the husband’s tasks, while the husband should not criticize the wife’s work. Even if there is a difference of opinion on some issues, it is best to sit and resolve them. An intelligent conversation with empathy and love can help diffuse any complicated relationship troubles. It is important that they give time and listen to one another. This helps both of them to unburden their hearts in a healthy manner and understand each other better.
This also aids in preventing unnecessary misunderstandings and doubts. All troubles flourish only in the presence of human fallacies and weaknesses, so it is best to stay ahead of them and pave the way for happy married life. It is best to focus on one’s responsibilities and not be overly attached. Make the journey of life memorable and joyful. Remember that everyone is a traveler on a train and will get down when their respective stations come. The togetherness in the journey is but temporary.
Do not focus on how someone else behaves with you; always see that you put up your best behavior and be an epitome of love and understanding. This will have a profound positive effect on others in the family. Do not look at a woman as an object of beauty; respect her as a mother. This is an essential principle of married life.
In the initial years of marriage, earning a livelihood could be an important factor, but once the children arrive and as years progress, emotional aspects become more important than the financial ones. Only when the couple adopts the principles of sanyam (restraint) and sadachar (virtuous behavior) can grihastha life be deemed as a tapovan. Lack of these values can destroy life.
Let us all set an example as an ideal householder. In the initial years, it is just the husband and wife, and as years progress, the family expands with the arrival of children, and so do the associated responsibilities. Family is the first school for a child, and they learn from the behavior of the family members and subconsciously imitate them. So, if the kids are to be raised as good human beings, it is imperative that parents set the right examples.
It is good to grow old while living a respectable and happy life and leave behind a legacy for your children, which will create a fount of noble sanskaras in their minds. The more we tune ourselves and follow the principles that make us the right grihastha, accordingly, a divine positive atmosphere is established in the family. One must surely include swadhyaya and satsanga as part of the daily routine. This not only helps one’s spiritual growth but also has a favorable influence on the children.
The character-building of the children is mainly dependent on the parents. If parents are endowed with impeccable character and good qualities, children will also be cultured and well-behaved. Married life, in that sense, is an excellent sadhana and service to
society.
Akhand Jyoti Magazine 2021 Nov -Dec